How old is Barrie? I think you captured the feeling of hopelessness really well I really like how Delilah’s extroversion plays off of Barrie’s more introverted tendencies The cafeteria scene is very heartwarming and a good look into their friendship and the hope that Delilah brings to Barrie Pg 11 para 2: I think this is a very good portrayal of the feelings that Barrie would have in that moment This story is giving “The Fault in Our Stars” vibes…
I like how you started the story. It really set the tone and warned us of what was to come It is certainly difficult to love someone with addiction, I can understand the ups and downs that the couple went through but the solid love between them that persevered You portrayed the trauma of her going back to the house really well Pg 5 last para: I love the idea of the gifts under the pillow. Its certainly not pertinent…
Right off the bat, I am kinda obsessed with how pessimistic the narrator is. I am hoping for pessimism to optimism arc Pg 2 second to last para: Is it realistic that he would be able to guess all of that simply by crashing into this girl? Seems a wee bit too spot on Pg 3 para 2 “Brutally honest, and don’t give a single fuck about what anyone thinks of you, which is either one of your only redeeming…
I think that Sammy and Brooke as characters play off of each other really well Pg 3 second para “Sammy placed her right hand on Brooke’s shoulder keeping her eyes on the road, eyes that were holding back tears of their own.” I love this moment of intimacy between Sammy and Brooke I love the moment that they changed their hair. Its a bit of a cliche like new hair new beginnings but its a cliche that I personally adore….
Again, your prose is absolutely beautiful. I am obsessed with they way you describe things pg 1 “Fur weaved through Adelaide’s fingertips like a tendril of shadows if darkness was made of silk as she gently stroked her hand along her rabbit, Pistachio’s, long, floppy ears.” pg 5 “She missed the smell of his leather-bound books and sitting in his lap by a peaceful fire while he looked down his long, aristocratic nose at paperwork” I love the flashbacks. They…
I like the time jump and how you gave us the location I like how absolutely enthralled the narrator is with Gwen, she is definitely a girl boss Pg 5 second to last para ” These movements were familiar. So familiar that memories began to creep into my head. So many bodies. Some of them were dead. Some were just knocked out. I didn’t know any of them, but one face was stuck in my head. A young boy, only…
When is this supposed to be taking place? I like the old-timey vibes a lot Is it realistic that two men would be able to dance with each other without fear of gossip? I like the bickering between Finn and Jonathon. They can’t stand to be together but can’t stand to be apart either The time jumps are good, but I feel we need some more tension because of them I wish we got more of a look into Finn’s…
You have such little lines sprinkled throughout that aren’t always super important to the story but I appreciate them so much! (A highlight reel for you viewing pleasure) Pg 1 para 1 ” She slapped her hand against mine, squeezing with such force even an alligator would be tamed.” Pg 3 para 1 “The bright white light emanating from the moon was intermittently covered with passing clouds and the steam rising from our warm breath in the cold November night.”…
I love how flirty Jasper is while also clearly caring about Maisie I appreciate how the mom is the villain in this story. I feel like a lot of times people focus on the dad being the villain and the mom being the quiet one, but in reality, it could easily be either one In addition to that ^^^ I like the way Maisie was influenced by her mom to go to church and how she learned to like it….
I like the contrast between Samantha and her mother. When they are both together they really show how different their ways of thinking and being are. The contrast is made even stronger when you talk about how close Samantha was with her father Are you planning on continuing the story or leaving it off on a cliffhanger? I feel like perhaps you have some more to explore in regard to the man she killed I think maybe you could flesh…
