I think you captured the guilt that a lot of people with depression experience. It can be really hard to not feel like a burden all the time I almost wish we could have some perspective that isn’t all Lou. Like maybe get a feel for how the kids handle or understand the situation The switches from present time to memories can get a little confusing and kind of messes with the flow of the story I feel like this…
The way you describe everything is amazing. I could really envision the kitchen and all the sensory aspects that come with it Trevor, as a character, is very believable. I think we can all relate to the obsessive nature of having a crush and then the subsequent jealousy that arises when they get or give attention to anyone but you One of my favorite lines that you have is pg 5 para 4 “If cooking doesn’t work out for me,…
I really love the voice that the narrator has, it seems to be very relatable and believable Your prose is amazing. Reading this story was so satisfying from a lyrical standpoint Going along with that ^^^ the way you’ve written the way Seb lives in his mind and is prone to overthinking is done very well Pg 3 first full paragraph: change “dead” to “day” in the second sentence I love people watching. I love how easily Seb is swept…
I absolutely love your prose. The way you write reads so beautifully and lyrical I love Mystic. Such a good setting! Pg 2 para 2 “She has never opened up to me about the pain she endures because of it. I leave it that way because I know she does not want me to know. She seems happy enough, so I don’t worry.” Let her keep the facade of the sun even though she’s cloudy inside? I love the dynamic…
I really appreciate the way the narrator sees the world. They say they aren’t poetic like their wife, yet the way they view things can only be described as poetic I think you portrayed their love very, very well. It isn’t just a flat overarching kind of love, it’s the kind thats deep and fluid and real THE ENDING!!!! OUCH, MY HEART!!!! You have some lines that are absolutely beautiful! One of my favorites has got to be pg 5…
I like how you gave the background in the beginning, it didn’t drag on or distract from the main plot and it gave us necessary info to understand the rest of the story The back and forth in the main character’s mind in the beginning is very believable. On the one hand, he wants to save Johnny, on the other hand, his self-preservation is screaming at him to turn back Pg 3 last paragraph leading into page 4 “The distant…
Right off the bat, the imagery is amazing. The way you describe things is so beautiful it truly does paint a picture right in my mind I can’t decide if Derek’s obsession with this woman is sweet or creepy (low key giving Joe from “You” vibes) You really captures what it’s like to be an introvert in the city. The juxtaposition of the ever changing, constantly moving city against the solitary and stagnant Derek is done so well I like…
I really love the distinct personalities Jen and Ryan both have, I think they play off each other very well The beginning starts off a little slow, although it does set the mood for the tension between Jen and Ryan as well as build up some suspense Page 5 last paragraph “The wind starts to pick up, almost sounding like whispers in the distance.” I love the imagery here, it really adds to the tensions and suspense and spooky vibes…
We workshopped my short story’s first draft on 10/10/22. I think I got some really good feedback. Going into the workshop, I knew I needed to flesh out the lore a bit more in my story. Writing fantasy is already pretty difficult and I know that it is not everyone’s cup of tea so I knew it was going to be hard to fit in all the necessary background and explanations whilst not taking away from the main plot. I…
I really love the way you utilized the descending/indented (idk how to phrase it) lines throughout the story. It’s a super cool choice I like the inner monologue that Argyle has, it feels very realistic as to how one might react in the situation I like how empathetic Argyle is to the ants, especially how it ties in with how she feels about herself. Perhaps she see’s herself as an ant in a way? Or are the ants her way…
