I really love the distinct personalities Jen and Ryan both have, I think they play off each other very well The beginning starts off a little slow, although it does set the mood for the tension between Jen and Ryan as well as build up some suspense Page 5 last paragraph “The wind starts to pick up, almost sounding like whispers in the distance.” I love the imagery here, it really adds to the tensions and suspense and spooky vibes…
We workshopped my short story’s first draft on 10/10/22. I think I got some really good feedback. Going into the workshop, I knew I needed to flesh out the lore a bit more in my story. Writing fantasy is already pretty difficult and I know that it is not everyone’s cup of tea so I knew it was going to be hard to fit in all the necessary background and explanations whilst not taking away from the main plot. I…
I really love the way you utilized the descending/indented (idk how to phrase it) lines throughout the story. It’s a super cool choice I like the inner monologue that Argyle has, it feels very realistic as to how one might react in the situation I like how empathetic Argyle is to the ants, especially how it ties in with how she feels about herself. Perhaps she see’s herself as an ant in a way? Or are the ants her way…
I really like the conflict that Flo has within herself Pg 5, final paragraph: “I never wanted to be the person I had become.” This line really speaks to me, I feel like it shows how Flo is really critical of how she feels, yet she is following her heart despite that. I think you did a really great job with the characterizations of the two main characters. Flo is head over heels for Lincoln but is still trying to…
Page 1 para 2, perhaps this could be split into a couple of sentences for a smoother and easier read Love the way you have written in the mythical elements like they just belong in the story and not like they’re just plopped in for wow factor The way Oliver’s anxiety is written is very relatable and believable Page 5, perhaps you could make the switch between Oliver’s POV and Isaac’s POV a bit more clear Will you be adding…
The imagery in your story is absolutely amazing, I’m OBSESSED The way you portray the hemming and hawing she is going through in her mind is very well done Page 3 first para “The answer is in the painting if I can only dare picture the image” one of my fav lines in your story (there are so many great lines, though) At points, it feels like the story is dragging a little bit. Perhaps cut out some of the…
I love the distinct voices you have created for both characters Page 3, para 2 “I closed my door…in the moment.” I love the inner turmoil portrayed in these lines The joking coping mechanism He has is very believable and relatable Page 5 last paragraph, it feels like it ends a bit abruptly. I kind of want to hear more about what’s going on inside her head in this moment THE LAST LINE IS SO GOOD I love the contrast…
Absolutely obsessed with the prose, especially page 3 para 1 “…made by people who just wanted to remember and be remembered.” that line is my favorite in the story How far in the future after humans have died out/evolved is this story taking place? Is it realistic that humans would be a myth, especially with record keeping, technology, etc? Would love to see Stephan’s job explained a bit more, I feel like that could really help elevate him as a…
Love the characterization of Alex and the slow deterioration of their mental state but there still being an underlying sense of hope throughout (albeit a tiny amount at the end) was very well done Some parts were a bit slow and over-explained (like the opening paragraph we discussed in class) so maybe go through and cut out some frivolous parts I think the presence (or lack thereof in the end) of Percy and the dialogue between him and Alex portrays…
Really love the voice that Q has, the overthinking is very relatable for me The imagery was SUPER well done Pg 2, paragraph 3 “They’re a lot taller than me…talking to the dog.” I’d watch for run-ons. This part seems like it could be split up into a couple of sentences to be easier to read Make sure to watch for tenses (seemed to switch a little between past and present tense throughout the story) Perhaps make the passage of…
